3 months in

it's been three months since i moved into my condo by myself. im pretty much settled in. it's lonely at times but for the most part i enjoy having my own pad and my privacy. money is tight, but im getting by. i still manage to fit the craft beers in. been on a few dates, trying to get back into the swing of things and interacting with people. it still goves me anxiety tbh. still miss the homie M. that passed away last november. i wish he couldve saw my pad. i wish i could still ask him for advice and just chill with him and relate to being a single dudes at our age. i dont think im built for relationships. and that scares me. i wish i had more game when i was younger, but i cant be who im not, this is just me. i know because i didnt love myself and had so many insecurities i didnt see the love that was right in front of me. i missed a lot of opportunity to build relationships with girls, but just didnt have it in me to let my guard down. im still working on it. i wonder if ill die alone or ever find love.

So much for being back

the padres lost the NLDS to the wack ass dodgers. my homie M. died on friday the 13th in november. i'm in escrow for a condo, set to close next month my sleeping habits are all fucked up. gained hella weight during this pandemic. struggling to keep my motivation in anything. i've just been staying in trying to keep myself from buying too many unnecessary things online. at the beginning of the pandemic i tried to reach out to some people. and some still reciprocate communication now, but it's few and far between. Honestly, i'm a little scared for when i move into my new place. the isolation of being on my own seems daunting, especially since it's hard for me to reach out and ask for help. also, im not much of a conversationalist, but i still yearn for some type of connection every now and then. things kinda took a dive after the homie passed. i had just seen him three days prior to his surgery. i'm still struggling to accept the fact that he's gone. he would randomly message me memes and send messages and that was helping me get through the day-to-day of working from home during this pandemic. he was a great friend. we were supposed to go on more motorcycle rides together. i was supposed to take your rider out while you were recovering from surgery. we were gonna plan more cruises, see more islander reggae shows, trade craft beer. He will truly be missed. we were totally different people, he was funny and loud and just easy to talk to. made jokes all the time and was just all around a fun guy to be around. i am probably the complete opposite. quiet and introverted. we started our college career at SDSU where we both got on academic probation and eventually had to take alternate routes in higher education. we ended up carpoolling to community college together. he helped break down some walls and get me to open up, which i am truly thankful for. i'm worried that the walls are going back up because of this lack of interaction with anyone. i am thankful for the handful of people that reach out to me and check up on me every now and then, even the homies that hit up the group chat for bdays and holidays. it's hard to keep the connections between people going. I taking the day off tomorrow/today (it's 2am right now). i'm hoping i can reset and recalibrate myself.

I'm back

The novelty of actually writing journal entries on paper is finally fading for me; or it is because of my pre-arthritic hands. Just the thing I need, another reminder that i'm getting old. 2020 sure is a doozy. I am 34 years old. Sometimes i forget that, but then i get one of those reminders from my body, or i look in the mirror and i'm back to being that self-loathing, lonely, emo kid from my younger years. Reading these past entries on here are full of cringe/laughs. A lot of things are different, but some things will never change... Still lonley. Still introspective. Still sadboy vibes. Anyway, i started the process of buying a house, or at least finding out how much house i can afford. i'm hoping my trust for the long-time homie A. isn't misguided. I trust the guy, but i'm alway cautious of mixing business and friends/family. Come to think of it, i'm just weary and cautious of people in general. Maybe that's why i have trouble sleeping. No rest for the weary. ...or is it no rest of the wicked? I've been working from home since March. I've only been to the office a total of four times since this pandemic started. Motiviation and produtivity are definitley taking a hit. at work, working out, relationships, friends. i've never felt more alone. Thank goodness for my family. My sister, brother-in-law, and nephew have been staying here at my parents' house since they are getting their kitchet remodeled. Actually, J. is trying to do all the work himself to save money, so they might be here for a while. It's cool having them around, though, especially my nephew A. he will be turning 2 in December, but he's got an early start on his terrible twos. He's a handful, but i got so much love for that kid. and he's so much fun to be around. i just wish he would start talking already. he knows how to say a handful of words and understands a lot of what we say to him. i'm thankful to be able to see my parents experience the joys (and pains) of having a grandchild. sometimes i wish i could give that to them. I'm hoping i can continue writing here indefinitley. memories fade so easily these days. i will write more i will take more photos i will still experience life during this pandemic. Padres played the Dodgers today in the NLDS. they're down 0-2 in a 5 game series. I'm homing they pull off this miracle winning streak. keeping the faith. also, not keeping the faith in the spiritual sense. i think i'm agnostic. i'm still battling this truth. not following any man-made scripture, just trying to be a good human.

Feeling the loneliest ive felt in a while. The competitor in me makes me want to embrace it and see how much i can take and fight thru it, but another part of me makes me feel hella sorry for myself. It's hard to meet/date people these days and an individual can only take so much rejection. My whole life, ive been feeling like ive neevr been enough. And the sad truth is that some people dont find the love theyre looking for. Still, at this point, im holding on to hope; continuously trying to better myself. But, honestly, im really scared. Im not sure what i need to do.

balance

the way i see it, everything in life is a balancing act. focus too much on one thing, and run the risk of going over the edge in that direction. thats why it's important to find your center. but even once you do find your center, you'll still have to work at maintaining that distribution. distribute youself evenly, all the while trying not to spead yourself too thin. at least, this is what i'm finding out. it's definitley a challenge.

as much as i'm able to socialize and communicate with my friends and other people, sometimes i feel like this is my only outlet to express these types thoughts.  i dont want to be judged, but at the same time, i keep most of these entries public.  i don't expect anyone to read them or respond either.  or maybe deep down i really do.  fuck. i really don't know.  maybe this is the only way i feel comfortable letting people in, even if it's just by happenstance.  is this making me feel any better?  i don't know...

i'm not a sad person, by any means.  i'm not a particularly happy person either.  i have my peaks and valleys just like anybody else.  i just hope if anyone does stumble upon this blog, they don't think i'm some emo, self-loathing, dude. 

maybe i should flood my social media with cliche inspirational quotes to feel better about myself, because i know i'll get a few likes from that. 

hold on tightly, let go lightly.
everything is nothing, nothing is everything. 

the little things

been thinking about my grandparents a lot lately. this always seems to happen during the holiday season. my family just hasnt been the same since they passed away. as a kid i would look forward to the trips to long beach for family gatherings, holiday family parties. My grandparents were the glue that kept us together. Now, my cousins and i struggle to keep the family bond strong. it might be too late for our parents' relationship with each other, but maybe not too late for us. anyway, i recently had a dream that i was sitting next to my lola, just like how we used to when i visited her. we were probably watching tv or something, i vaguely remember... but one thing that i remember the most was that i would randomly, almost unconsciously, hold her arm or hand or just pat her arm as we were sitting and she'd do the same. you know, just random signs of affection. but the thing that stands out is the way her skin felt. how soft it was. i also remember how when she was living in san diego with us, she's always watch old school westerns or 70's dramas. every now and then i find a channel randomly showing one of the shows she used to watch and just get so sad. she would often also have a sweater or some article of clothing on her lap and tiny scissors and she's snip the little lint balls that form on old clothes. i miss her. just typing this out and thinking about it makes me sad with a little cryball in my throat.

rough draft

people often ask me why ive never committed to a relationship and i make the excuse that i'm just not a commitment type of guy or the right girl hasn't come around yet.  maybe that's true; or maybe i've just been alone long enough to find comfort in myself.  some days it's enough.  other days... well,  i feel like an island, to say the least.  and i guess today is one of those days. 

one can only find so much comfort in solitude.  it's not the same as the kind of comfort you find holding another person's hand or seeing that single person that loves you as much as you love them after a long day, but what would i know about that?

i know that my insecurities prevent me from taking chances. i think part of it is i don't want to be judged for my flaws.  i don't want to feel vulnerable, so i only let people in to a certain extent, preventing me from making any meaningful emotional connection.

it's funny how one has to step out of their comfort zone to reach another level of comfort. but it is a choice and it requires action. 

solitude or love.  it's a big jump in between those two zones. 

we're all rough drafts headed towards the same ending.  i'm just hoping i find someone along the way where we're able to finish each others sentences/sandwiches

moved to tumblr. find me. or ax me.

kinda curious on who actually reads this stuff.

on second thought, i'd probably rather not know. if i did, i'd probably become too self-conscious to write anything.

i look and feel like a zombie. these dark circles under my eyes are getting out of control. i really need to get some more sleep at night, but it's summer and honestly, i don't want to miss out on anything. the lack of sleep is taking it's toll though, but i'd take that over the feeling of being left out.

mass debating whether or not i should take summer school. honestly, i'd rather just work all summer and get paid, but i really should be trying to graduate as soon as possible. then again, i'm paying for my own tuition and i'd be more comfortable paying cash then using my credit card. damns, why can't i just win the lotto? then i wouldn't have to worry about much.